Okay, so here I am, a little late. Again. Can you tell I haven't worn a watch in five years?
ANYhoo ... I'm jotting this stuff down as I read along today:
- LOVE that the AI's name is Deke. I giggled as soon as I saw it.
- I like the mental image I'm getting of John surfing. It almost feels like a Minority Report/Iron Man kind of thing. Pretty! Fun! Poor John, stuck up there, he needs his pretty entertainment wherever he can get it. I like it.
- A quick note about word choice: was found lying. I wonder if dead wouldn't be a better word choice? Lying implies he might still have been alive when he was found.
- I would actually suggest writing up the news article as a news article. Give it a byline and source. That whole variety thing I talked about? That would help with the variety, too. That way you can get your exposition dump out there without it sounding like John is talking to himself since it reads like he is, but it doesn't at the same time. That whole section with the article has an odd feel to it. I would also write up the title as a title, not as something said out loud. You said you have a habit of falling into dialogue without much stage direction or movement. This is one way you can add variety then. Don't be afraid to experiment with form a little bit. :-)
- Think about making the "now this" a paragraph of its own, then breaking down into the rest about the astrodome and asteroids. The "now this" is still about Tatiana, and the asteroids are such a quick switch in focus that it feels like it comes from nowhere. A simple paragraph break might fix that for you.
- I like that Deke gets on John's nerves. Of all the people to get stuck alone with on a desert tin island. Hee! I like Deke!
- Wow! John's tall, man!
So I like the image of John up there talking with Deke. There is something very Tony Stark about it, which amuses me probably more than it should. I really enjoyed it. It says just as much about John's personality and Brains's sense of humor as it does the information.
You said you have a hard time with the stage direction vs dialogue thing. This is a good scene where you can use that. Let John get up and wander around as he's thinking things through and reading and talking to Deke. He can stop to read, walk around processing, and walk back. Experiment!
I know NaNo is about getting out the 50K in only 30 days and all, and that word count matters. Totally understood. Just remember that every word also counts in tone and voice. (Try to keep in mind, I was a Lit major in college; any one word could mean something, so word choice is a big thing with me. I spent a great deal of money and time learning to analyze every sentence. It's made me a crazy-slow reader. Ha!) If you're looking to boost your word count in this instance, don't be afraid to let John be active during this conversation. Or, if you want to give Deke more to do, have him be impatiently waiting on John's only human brain, pestering him to read faster? There's a great potential for banter there if you want it. You can also show us more reaction from John, physically, about how he feels as he's reading the article, especially when he gets to the realization that Tatiana is one of the missing.
Anyhoo, like always, just random suggestions as I read along. I know the word count is important for you, so if you're looking for ways to beef it up more ...
I enjoyed this part. I like the image of John talking with this thing. I like the little bits of their history put in there, which said just as much about John's honor as it does about the events.
no subject
Okay, so here I am, a little late. Again. Can you tell I haven't worn a watch in five years?
ANYhoo ... I'm jotting this stuff down as I read along today:
- LOVE that the AI's name is Deke. I giggled as soon as I saw it.
- I like the mental image I'm getting of John surfing. It almost feels like a Minority Report/Iron Man kind of thing. Pretty! Fun! Poor John, stuck up there, he needs his pretty entertainment wherever he can get it. I like it.
- A quick note about word choice: was found lying. I wonder if dead wouldn't be a better word choice? Lying implies he might still have been alive when he was found.
- I would actually suggest writing up the news article as a news article. Give it a byline and source. That whole variety thing I talked about? That would help with the variety, too. That way you can get your exposition dump out there without it sounding like John is talking to himself since it reads like he is, but it doesn't at the same time. That whole section with the article has an odd feel to it. I would also write up the title as a title, not as something said out loud. You said you have a habit of falling into dialogue without much stage direction or movement. This is one way you can add variety then. Don't be afraid to experiment with form a little bit. :-)
- Think about making the "now this" a paragraph of its own, then breaking down into the rest about the astrodome and asteroids. The "now this" is still about Tatiana, and the asteroids are such a quick switch in focus that it feels like it comes from nowhere. A simple paragraph break might fix that for you.
- I like that Deke gets on John's nerves. Of all the people to get stuck alone with on a desert tin island. Hee! I like Deke!
- Wow! John's tall, man!
So I like the image of John up there talking with Deke. There is something very Tony Stark about it, which amuses me probably more than it should. I really enjoyed it. It says just as much about John's personality and Brains's sense of humor as it does the information.
You said you have a hard time with the stage direction vs dialogue thing. This is a good scene where you can use that. Let John get up and wander around as he's thinking things through and reading and talking to Deke. He can stop to read, walk around processing, and walk back. Experiment!
I know NaNo is about getting out the 50K in only 30 days and all, and that word count matters. Totally understood. Just remember that every word also counts in tone and voice. (Try to keep in mind, I was a Lit major in college; any one word could mean something, so word choice is a big thing with me. I spent a great deal of money and time learning to analyze every sentence. It's made me a crazy-slow reader. Ha!) If you're looking to boost your word count in this instance, don't be afraid to let John be active during this conversation. Or, if you want to give Deke more to do, have him be impatiently waiting on John's only human brain, pestering him to read faster? There's a great potential for banter there if you want it. You can also show us more reaction from John, physically, about how he feels as he's reading the article, especially when he gets to the realization that Tatiana is one of the missing.
Anyhoo, like always, just random suggestions as I read along. I know the word count is important for you, so if you're looking for ways to beef it up more ...
I enjoyed this part. I like the image of John talking with this thing. I like the little bits of their history put in there, which said just as much about John's honor as it does about the events.
Nicely done! :-)