Okay, so I'm back (finally) as promised. Here we go ...
- Very interesting backstory. It's effective that you start out giving them a positive cause. Like so many radicals of the '60s (which sets in perfectly with the show and how much the TV verse reflects the '60s), they started out with good intentions. They didn't set out to become terrorists, and yet, the progression seems natural for yet another group that has gone relegated to lesser status because of the concerns of other groups first. Nicely done.
You're definitely hitting me in the nerd arena. It's always nice to read something where you can actually see how much thought the writer has put into it. YAY YOU!
- From a technical standpoint: the only suggestion I would make is to vary your sentence length a little. Short, choppy sentences are just as important as long, inclusive ones. The danger of so many longer sentences -- especially when they contain so many lists -- is that they become boring not in content but rhythm. If you read the same sentence lengths over and over, they start to have a pattern. Lull a reader into a pattern and information gets lost in the rhythm. Don't be afraid to vary your sentences. (There are a few punctuation/comma things again, but otherwise you're clean there again. YAY YOU!) Remember, too, short sentences can have just as much power. Don't be afraid to use it.
- Having not advanced to the third chapter yet, I don't know how it will change my opinion here, but on the first read? I'm not sure that this is the right place for this chapter. This kind of information feels like it should be a prologue or, if used with the right creativity, a newspaper article inserted into the text, which would be a device you could then use again later on.
Because you write shorter chapters here, it's important to set a tone. By switching from the conversations John has to this, it doesn't allow the reader to feel comfortable within the frame of the story. The reader has to completely switch modes, like first I'm reading an intimate story involving such and such a character, but now I'm reading a history lesson in which those characters are no longer important?
So yes, I can see already that the information is important, and it all ties together nicely at the end. It's just the tone switch that bothers me, I think. There is nothing wrong with it. It's interesting information, and I'm sure it's all essential information.
Let me put it this way: you know that I'm still new to the fandom. I read all of, I think, two writers (Little Miss Bump and Spense, if I remember right) before I started to write my own story. In that time, I'd had all of one month of viewing experience within the show and movie. So as someone new, someone who you can consider a near-first-time reader, the tone switch doesn't ease me into a story. For someone as familiar with the material as you, yes, it's all right there and your mind supplies the jumps and missing information. For me, it's an erratic jump.
Does that make sense?
But like I said, from a writing perspective, there is nothing wrong with it whatsoever. Don't think I'm saying you've done anything wrong.
And I may change my mind the further into this I get. But from this point in the story, as a newbie, I find it jumpy. So mostly it's a question of placement? Or usage? Just something to think about.
Either way, it isn't stopping me from reading on. If all goes well, you should be hearing from me again in an hour about chapter three. :-D
no subject
Okay, so I'm back (finally) as promised. Here we go ...
- Very interesting backstory. It's effective that you start out giving them a positive cause. Like so many radicals of the '60s (which sets in perfectly with the show and how much the TV verse reflects the '60s), they started out with good intentions. They didn't set out to become terrorists, and yet, the progression seems natural for yet another group that has gone relegated to lesser status because of the concerns of other groups first. Nicely done.
You're definitely hitting me in the nerd arena. It's always nice to read something where you can actually see how much thought the writer has put into it. YAY YOU!
- From a technical standpoint: the only suggestion I would make is to vary your sentence length a little. Short, choppy sentences are just as important as long, inclusive ones. The danger of so many longer sentences -- especially when they contain so many lists -- is that they become boring not in content but rhythm. If you read the same sentence lengths over and over, they start to have a pattern. Lull a reader into a pattern and information gets lost in the rhythm. Don't be afraid to vary your sentences. (There are a few punctuation/comma things again, but otherwise you're clean there again. YAY YOU!) Remember, too, short sentences can have just as much power. Don't be afraid to use it.
- Having not advanced to the third chapter yet, I don't know how it will change my opinion here, but on the first read? I'm not sure that this is the right place for this chapter. This kind of information feels like it should be a prologue or, if used with the right creativity, a newspaper article inserted into the text, which would be a device you could then use again later on.
Because you write shorter chapters here, it's important to set a tone. By switching from the conversations John has to this, it doesn't allow the reader to feel comfortable within the frame of the story. The reader has to completely switch modes, like first I'm reading an intimate story involving such and such a character, but now I'm reading a history lesson in which those characters are no longer important?
So yes, I can see already that the information is important, and it all ties together nicely at the end. It's just the tone switch that bothers me, I think. There is nothing wrong with it. It's interesting information, and I'm sure it's all essential information.
Let me put it this way: you know that I'm still new to the fandom. I read all of, I think, two writers (Little Miss Bump and Spense, if I remember right) before I started to write my own story. In that time, I'd had all of one month of viewing experience within the show and movie. So as someone new, someone who you can consider a near-first-time reader, the tone switch doesn't ease me into a story. For someone as familiar with the material as you, yes, it's all right there and your mind supplies the jumps and missing information. For me, it's an erratic jump.
Does that make sense?
But like I said, from a writing perspective, there is nothing wrong with it whatsoever. Don't think I'm saying you've done anything wrong.
And I may change my mind the further into this I get. But from this point in the story, as a newbie, I find it jumpy. So mostly it's a question of placement? Or usage? Just something to think about.
Either way, it isn't stopping me from reading on. If all goes well, you should be hearing from me again in an hour about chapter three. :-D
Happy writing!
Six