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Moonstrike! Chapter 2 - Enemies
Chapter 1 - Discovery
Some background...
They started out near the end of the twentieth century as the Society for Planetary Advancement. A noble enough sounding name, they supported population control efforts, development of alternative fuels, a halt to interplanetary exploration and study, and a number of other initiatives to stop the depletion of natural resources and over-development of open land. They staged protests, lobbied various governmental bodies, supported like-minded candidates, and tried to indoctrinate the young, among many other seemingly benign and non-violent actions.
When the world formed an international government, bent on keeping peace among the various nation-states, they felt their time had come. Through this one entity, they thought, they could reach their goals of slowly returning the earth to a cleaner, greener state, where everyone had enough food to eat, and all mankind treasured the world they lived on.
But they found it an uphill battle. The protection of worldwide human rights was the new government's first priority; after that, the nation-states looked out for the welfare of their own people first. The reclamation of the earth came far, far down the list. The Society's leaders became restless, wanting action now, before the planet's resources became depleted beyond hope.
Then came the return to the moon, a multi-national endeavor under the fledgling World Space Authority. Man's crowning achievement, to colonize the moon, had begun, with an eye to reaching further out: to Mars, and beyond the solar system. It galvanized Earth's people like nothing before it, and the Society stood aghast. Here were billions of dollars, money that could be better spent in conservation efforts, in population control, in reclaiming land, in stopping pollution... thrown at that rock in the sky so people could live where no people were ever meant to.
The most idealistic, the most restless of the Society's members met in secret. Our methods aren't working, they decided, we must try something else. Something drastic. Something that shows our devotion to our cause. And something that will make the world listen... and obey.
Little by little they built a network. Using the Society as a cover, keeping it clear of any possible scandal, they suborned politicians, recruited the disaffected, hired mercenaries, made deals with criminal syndicates, learned from terrorists, and planted moles where they would do the most good. Some of the members wanted to eschew technology altogether, saying it was evil, the symbol of man's folly, the element that enabled them to go into space. But the smart ones, the young ones, convinced them otherwise. Yes, they agreed, the technology is evil. So let's use it against our enemies, a tool to bring them down. Teach them how evil it is, then destroy it.
So they did. To separate themselves from the Society, they chose a new name, one that declared their agenda of "Earth, first" - Tellus Prime.
And they began to do things, things that slowly got them noticed. Quiet things like planting viruses and Trojan horses in the computer systems of technical giants, ruining software programs destined for the space program. Sneaky things like the sabotage of manufacturing production lines. Inhumane things like the kidnapping of scientists... or of their families, using them as hostages to hobble scientific advances. Violent things, like bombing industrial plants and killing dozens, hundreds of people. Soon their name spread in whispers and rumors, an urban legend in the making, but a real one that grew with every passing day. They passed from legend to fact when they claimed responsibility for the fiery, in-flight destruction of the Hevelius 9 mission. The shuttle, carrying supplies and manpower to begin developing the seventh lunar colony, blew up less than a minute into flight. Its destruction was broadcast worldwide, and Tellus Prime instantly became a name associated with terror and infamy.
But while they were making their plans and building their network, so was someone else. A widowed hero, mourning his wife, began to pour his considerable heart and soul into his business. It grew, blossomed, and multiplied at a dizzying pace. And with that business came another idea, an altruistic organization meant to rescue those who had no hope. By the time that Tellus Prime began to see Jeff Tracy and his Tracy Ventures to be a threat, his second organization was already well in hand.
There were rumors that Tracy had a secret project, and Tellus Prime hired a mercenary, who was known only by the sobriquet of The Hood, to discover more. The Hood said he had a lead on this project, and if given the money and materials, would draw the secret into the light, giving the eco-terrorists proof of the link between Tracy and the project, while also disposing of a new high-tech airliner, the Fireflash. Tellus Prime agreed, and provided the mercenary with what he wanted.
The rest is history. The Hood attached a bomb to the Fireflash, one that could not be removed, though several tries were made by airport authorities. Then, out of the blue, came a sleek silver ship and its green, wide-bodied sister, bringing help and the equipment to save Fireflash. The Hood tried to obtain the proof he had promised, but he bungled both that and his secondary goal of gathering technical information on the machines for his own use. Tellus Prime was not pleased that they had no conclusive link between International Rescue and Jeff Tracy, but they continued to hire the mercenary as a gadfly in the side of their new, unwitting enemy. In the meanwhile, they sought that elusive proof, even as Tracy became richer and more powerful, and International Rescue captured the imagination of the public.
They continued their activities, until one day they became aware of an event - awesome in scope and sure in its arrival - that would show the world its folly, and rearrange its priorities. But... they had to make sure that no one else believed it was coming, for they knew that this event would bring the world together in an unprecedented show of cooperation as they battled the coming storm.
So they began a campaign of misinformation. They had their influential people in the World Government dismiss the claims of those doomsday seers, making a blindness to the danger and suppression of the "alarmists" the order of the day. As for those who still insisted that there was something to fear, Tellus Prime dealt with them through intimidation, coercion, kidnapping, and even murder.
The only group they truly worried about was International Rescue. They knew that, if IR became aware of the problem, IR's operatives would not give up until they found a solution. However, Tellus Prime became aware of another entity whose investment in that lunar folly might lead them to act on the menace: Tracy Ventures. One they could not find, the other was public... and they could crush.
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and kind of chilling, too...
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Okay, so I'm back (finally) as promised. Here we go ...
- Very interesting backstory. It's effective that you start out giving them a positive cause. Like so many radicals of the '60s (which sets in perfectly with the show and how much the TV verse reflects the '60s), they started out with good intentions. They didn't set out to become terrorists, and yet, the progression seems natural for yet another group that has gone relegated to lesser status because of the concerns of other groups first. Nicely done.
You're definitely hitting me in the nerd arena. It's always nice to read something where you can actually see how much thought the writer has put into it. YAY YOU!
- From a technical standpoint: the only suggestion I would make is to vary your sentence length a little. Short, choppy sentences are just as important as long, inclusive ones. The danger of so many longer sentences -- especially when they contain so many lists -- is that they become boring not in content but rhythm. If you read the same sentence lengths over and over, they start to have a pattern. Lull a reader into a pattern and information gets lost in the rhythm. Don't be afraid to vary your sentences. (There are a few punctuation/comma things again, but otherwise you're clean there again. YAY YOU!) Remember, too, short sentences can have just as much power. Don't be afraid to use it.
- Having not advanced to the third chapter yet, I don't know how it will change my opinion here, but on the first read? I'm not sure that this is the right place for this chapter. This kind of information feels like it should be a prologue or, if used with the right creativity, a newspaper article inserted into the text, which would be a device you could then use again later on.
Because you write shorter chapters here, it's important to set a tone. By switching from the conversations John has to this, it doesn't allow the reader to feel comfortable within the frame of the story. The reader has to completely switch modes, like first I'm reading an intimate story involving such and such a character, but now I'm reading a history lesson in which those characters are no longer important?
So yes, I can see already that the information is important, and it all ties together nicely at the end. It's just the tone switch that bothers me, I think. There is nothing wrong with it. It's interesting information, and I'm sure it's all essential information.
Let me put it this way: you know that I'm still new to the fandom. I read all of, I think, two writers (Little Miss Bump and Spense, if I remember right) before I started to write my own story. In that time, I'd had all of one month of viewing experience within the show and movie. So as someone new, someone who you can consider a near-first-time reader, the tone switch doesn't ease me into a story. For someone as familiar with the material as you, yes, it's all right there and your mind supplies the jumps and missing information. For me, it's an erratic jump.
Does that make sense?
But like I said, from a writing perspective, there is nothing wrong with it whatsoever. Don't think I'm saying you've done anything wrong.
And I may change my mind the further into this I get. But from this point in the story, as a newbie, I find it jumpy. So mostly it's a question of placement? Or usage? Just something to think about.
Either way, it isn't stopping me from reading on. If all goes well, you should be hearing from me again in an hour about chapter three. :-D
Happy writing!
Six
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I understand what you're saying about the variety of sentences and I'll work on that. I'll do what I can to break them up without rewriting. It was originally written for NaNoWriMo, where every word counts - literally.
I like the idea of making this a prologue! It does break up the story a bit, and making it a prologue would correct that.
The corrections I've made are going up on FanNation. Ruth H is helping me with some of the mechanical problems (like a lot of missing words!) and some comments as a TV-verse reader. Looking forward to your comments on the next chapter!
ETA: In talking with my friend, Susanmartha, I've decided I need to mix this whole mess in with the rest of the story. Have little dribs and drabs of information about Tellus Prime and the Society throughout the story. I think that will work better than this big data dump. So, lots of rewrite to do, and I promised Ruth another chapter by Friday (when my parents arrive!).
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I like the idea of spreading the information out, too. Just be careful, then, not to make it sound like a lesson. Some of it may be hard to avoid -- think Giles on Buffy and how he spent so much time delivering the exposition in the library -- but ease it in there. You'll find a way!
Yep, I was going to suggest that the corrections and any edits you want to make get done before you start posting at ffnet. I want you to have as clean a piece as you can. This isn't something you just fired off overnight; I want it to get the attention it deserves. :-)
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