So here's my second for the day. Depending on how things go, I might be able to squeeze a third in, but until then ...
- YAY colonies! Have I mentioned yet how awesome I think it is that you're going in an actual scientific direction with a story? I will fully admit that writing the emotional/family stuff is so much easier, so YAY on you for being brave enough to get technical. Cajones, baby!
- The phrase "effectively putting paid to the project's future stages" threw me for a minute because I couldn't figure out if there was a word missing or if I simply didn't get it.
- A word choice thing: unexpected attack. If it's an expected or routine attack, I get that it takes away from the drama of it, but at the same time, "unexpected" next to "attack" has a feeling of redundancy about it. It's like saying something is an "unexpected surprise". Give me a darker adjective than "unexpected". Give me something with gravity. It will also help strengthen the position of Tellus Prime. Are the settlers mostly civilians or scientists? That might be worth mentioning in conjunction with your word choice.
- She uses "craggy"! I love it! Nobody uses craggy anymore. People really should use craggy more often. :-)
- The brief descriptions of the other heads? Can you sneak them into the story a little more? Like instead of simply dropping the person's name, their description, and what they do, vary it some? Instead of "Ivan Korloff, hawk-nosed, balding, his craggy face showing his age, shook his head", try something along the lines of "Ivan Korloff washed a hand over his face, trailing from receding hairline to hawkish nose to craggy whiskers." It will flow more and make the information feel less like it's being shoehorned in there. Not only that, but rather than just shaking his head, it gives a hint of weariness from the situation, from his job, from his age. Just a few word order changes and you can change the entire atmosphere of the scene. It will tense up the scene so much if you allow these talking heads (which is what they are since we don't know them) to show little hints of frustration like that. You've grazed it a little bit with Daffyd, but try to infuse the entire scene with it.
ON the flip side of that, though ... If we aren't supposed to care about these characters, if they are merely a way for you to get the information out that the heads of the colonies are worried that they aren't being listened to, then don't waste the words on them. If who they aren't doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what they look like and you can skip that kind of detail. If we aren't supposed to care specifically about Ivan as anything other than a Star Trek Ensign on his first away mission, we don't need to know what his nose looks like. Only their body language will be important then. Does the distinction make sense?
Do you hate me yet? ;-)
- Since you stated that the colonies were named for people who had walked on the moon, I would suggest that only one of them be away from the list to show that the exploration has continued beyond what we know now, but otherwise keep the list so that you have the name recognition. And don't use Glenn unless you make a note s/he is a descendant of John Glenn or you may have people correcting you on it, which would get annoying.
- Poor cubicle woman. Little does she know, huh?
- "the presidents of both Tracy Ventures' Aerospace, Transport, and Construction Divisions": the wording here is a little awkward. I couldn't figure out where the "both" was supposed to cut off. Switch out "both" for "each", maybe?
- "not with Gillian's royal blue skirt suit sitting as backdrop." *snerk* That's probably amusing me far more than it should. ;-)
- "Brains, stop that." *snerk* I love it!
- Poor Ned. Always ignored. Hee! And yet ... Aww ... I like Brains's little smile over it.
- I'm amused. The 6000 brings a whole new definition to "smart car". Run little (well, big) shuttle, run!
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timeasmymeasure
Notes, Part 1
Date: 2011-10-01 07:12 pm (UTC)So here's my second for the day. Depending on how things go, I might be able to squeeze a third in, but until then ...
- YAY colonies! Have I mentioned yet how awesome I think it is that you're going in an actual scientific direction with a story? I will fully admit that writing the emotional/family stuff is so much easier, so YAY on you for being brave enough to get technical. Cajones, baby!
- The phrase "effectively putting paid to the project's future stages" threw me for a minute because I couldn't figure out if there was a word missing or if I simply didn't get it.
- A word choice thing: unexpected attack. If it's an expected or routine attack, I get that it takes away from the drama of it, but at the same time, "unexpected" next to "attack" has a feeling of redundancy about it. It's like saying something is an "unexpected surprise". Give me a darker adjective than "unexpected". Give me something with gravity. It will also help strengthen the position of Tellus Prime. Are the settlers mostly civilians or scientists? That might be worth mentioning in conjunction with your word choice.
- She uses "craggy"! I love it! Nobody uses craggy anymore. People really should use craggy more often. :-)
- The brief descriptions of the other heads? Can you sneak them into the story a little more? Like instead of simply dropping the person's name, their description, and what they do, vary it some? Instead of "Ivan Korloff, hawk-nosed, balding, his craggy face showing his age, shook his head", try something along the lines of "Ivan Korloff washed a hand over his face, trailing from receding hairline to hawkish nose to craggy whiskers." It will flow more and make the information feel less like it's being shoehorned in there. Not only that, but rather than just shaking his head, it gives a hint of weariness from the situation, from his job, from his age. Just a few word order changes and you can change the entire atmosphere of the scene. It will tense up the scene so much if you allow these talking heads (which is what they are since we don't know them) to show little hints of frustration like that. You've grazed it a little bit with Daffyd, but try to infuse the entire scene with it.
ON the flip side of that, though ... If we aren't supposed to care about these characters, if they are merely a way for you to get the information out that the heads of the colonies are worried that they aren't being listened to, then don't waste the words on them. If who they aren't doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what they look like and you can skip that kind of detail. If we aren't supposed to care specifically about Ivan as anything other than a Star Trek Ensign on his first away mission, we don't need to know what his nose looks like. Only their body language will be important then. Does the distinction make sense?
Do you hate me yet? ;-)
- Since you stated that the colonies were named for people who had walked on the moon, I would suggest that only one of them be away from the list to show that the exploration has continued beyond what we know now, but otherwise keep the list so that you have the name recognition. And don't use Glenn unless you make a note s/he is a descendant of John Glenn or you may have people correcting you on it, which would get annoying.
- Poor cubicle woman. Little does she know, huh?
- "the presidents of both Tracy Ventures' Aerospace, Transport, and Construction Divisions": the wording here is a little awkward. I couldn't figure out where the "both" was supposed to cut off. Switch out "both" for "each", maybe?
- "not with Gillian's royal blue skirt suit sitting as backdrop." *snerk* That's probably amusing me far more than it should. ;-)
- "Brains, stop that." *snerk* I love it!
- Poor Ned. Always ignored. Hee! And yet ... Aww ... I like Brains's little smile over it.
- I'm amused. The 6000 brings a whole new definition to "smart car". Run little (well, big) shuttle, run!
And on ...