- Oh! A note I meant to make before regarding Rhea. The whole bit of her tapping her pens on her chin? Yes, definitely have her do it, but don't call attention to it. She does it enough that we'll pick up on the habit. If you then show Jeff doing it as well, we'll pick up on it. Just don't point to it and say "see, she's his daughter because they have the same habit". Trust your readers to see the habit and make of it what it is. That goes back to the entire thing about Mary Sue and how people deliberately point out characteristics, dropping the anvil on the readers' heads (YOU MUST NOTICE THAT I DID THIS) rather than subtly just doing it and trusting us to see it. So yes, I'm glad you did it here. Just edit it as something without neon in her first scene.
- Aw, poor Deke, not getting his lovin' from Alan. Hee!
- If Jeff wouldn't explain the relocation to Alan, why would Brains? If that was just a way to allow Brains to do the explaining since he's the one Alan's talking to, perhaps change it from "all Dad would say" to "Dad didn't have time to explain"? Because the wording of "all Dad would say" suggests that he was deliberately keeping the information from Alan, so Brains wouldn't want to divulge it then either.
- ""But I e-expect we'll be hearing more from, uh, these people in the future." DUH dun DUN! Nice ending.
So I like the action thrown in the midst of a lot of information coming in a row. Nicely done. Fun chapter. It was also good to see other familiar faces. I caught a few typos again, but they shouldn't be hard to spot when you read through again.
Keep it up, sweets. It's looking good. I'm totally on board. :-) Happy writing!
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
Notes, Part 2
Date: 2011-10-01 07:12 pm (UTC)- Oh! A note I meant to make before regarding Rhea. The whole bit of her tapping her pens on her chin? Yes, definitely have her do it, but don't call attention to it. She does it enough that we'll pick up on the habit. If you then show Jeff doing it as well, we'll pick up on it. Just don't point to it and say "see, she's his daughter because they have the same habit". Trust your readers to see the habit and make of it what it is. That goes back to the entire thing about Mary Sue and how people deliberately point out characteristics, dropping the anvil on the readers' heads (YOU MUST NOTICE THAT I DID THIS) rather than subtly just doing it and trusting us to see it. So yes, I'm glad you did it here. Just edit it as something without neon in her first scene.
- Aw, poor Deke, not getting his lovin' from Alan. Hee!
- If Jeff wouldn't explain the relocation to Alan, why would Brains? If that was just a way to allow Brains to do the explaining since he's the one Alan's talking to, perhaps change it from "all Dad would say" to "Dad didn't have time to explain"? Because the wording of "all Dad would say" suggests that he was deliberately keeping the information from Alan, so Brains wouldn't want to divulge it then either.
- ""But I e-expect we'll be hearing more from, uh, these people in the future." DUH dun DUN! Nice ending.
So I like the action thrown in the midst of a lot of information coming in a row. Nicely done. Fun chapter. It was also good to see other familiar faces. I caught a few typos again, but they shouldn't be hard to spot when you read through again.
Keep it up, sweets. It's looking good. I'm totally on board. :-) Happy writing!