Another rough night.

I hate neuropathy.

Really hate it.

I hate my feet being numb on the outside, so numb that if I step on something sharp I don't know it. So numb that I sometimes feel like I'm wearing a shoe on my left foot and a hiking boot on the right... when I'm barefoot. I hate the fact that every time I go to the neurologist, I know that the numbness is spreading. Up my legs. Into my hands.

But as much as I hate the numbness, I hate the pain even more.

The pain deep in my foot if I step on something that's not sharp. The tingling burn in my fingers on a particularly bad day. And especially the pain in my toes and the upper part of my foot. The burning pain that feels like someone has pulled back my skin and poured acid on my muscles. The pain and the jerking of my feet that keeps me awake at night. That makes driving agony. I hate taking the medication that keeps things from being worse, that keeps my nerves from feeling like someone's using them for guitar strings.

And why do I have it?

No one knows.

The doctors can only treat the symptoms.

But I refuse, I REFUSE, to give in. I refuse to live life in a wheelchair, in a scooter like someone else with neuropathy that I know. As long as I can walk, with or without pain, I will. As long as I can drive, with or without pain, I will.

I CANNOT GIVE UP!

I have people depending on me. My husband. My kids.

I WILL NOT GIVE UP!

I won't let this damned thing win. Even when I'm tired out of my mind. Even when the weather fronts come through and turn me into a human barometer. Even when my hormones make my day a living hell.

I will not give up.